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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23868886">I’m falling again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malec_Lover23/pseuds/Malec_Lover23'>Malec_Lover23</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Good Sibling Isabelle Lightwood, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Married Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Missions Gone Wrong, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:42:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,306</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23868886</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malec_Lover23/pseuds/Malec_Lover23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This discusses self harming and self worth issues so please be cautious. A mission goes wrong and Alec goes back to unhealthy coping mechanisms.<br/>Title is from Harry Styles album Fine Line (best album ever don’t even @ me)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>145</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I’m falling again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Find me on tumblr Malec_Lover23<br/>Stay safe and healthy people &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus settles on the couch, martini in hand, counting down the minutes before he can have his husband in his arm when the phone rings. </p><p>Magnus answers on the first ring, biting his lip when he sees its Isabelle. </p><p>"What's wrong? What happened to Alec?" </p><p>"Magnus, Alec is fine. Well, physically. I think he's got some injuries but he's not allowing anyone to look. A patrol took a bad turn and a few younger Shadowhunters got killed tonight."</p><p>"I'm sorry, Isabelle." Magnus knows firsthand how awful deaths are to Shadowhunters, even if they are prepared for it, it's never easy for the ones who watched it and couldn't save them. </p><p>"Thank you. Alec and Jace were with them, and as always Alec is taking it extra hard considering he was the one who led the patrol. He's not letting anyone near him." </p><p>"Where is he?" </p><p>"He's on the roof, but Magnus he's just firing arrows. Jace is watching him to make sure nothing else happens. However, he's cutting up his arms because he's not in the right position to shoot so the bowstring is snapping against his arms." Magnus is sure Isabelle is tearing up at this point. </p><p>"I'll be right there. I'll take care of him, Isabelle." </p><p>A course of alarm ignites Magnus to a standing position, and he's slipping through a portal to the Institute. </p><p>He races up the steps to the roof and gently opens the door, not wanting to disrupt Alec and cause him to start shutting down even more. </p><p>He sees Jace watching Alec against the wall, and his eyes meet Magnus'. </p><p>"Thank you for watching over him." Magnus murmurs.</p><p>"I always will. He'll push you away, but if you're persistent and gentle he'll open up to you. He'll always open up to you, Magnus." Magnus sadly smiles and nods. </p><p>"Go get some rest, I'm here now. Jace, this is no one's fault." He adds, knowing Jace's mind works the same way his husband's does, he just doesn't self-destruct as much. </p><p>Jace nods and goes back through the door. Magnus watches him go, then turns to more pressing matters. </p><p>Magnus walks closer until he's beside Alec. Another arrow flies through the sky before Magnus speaks. "Alexander, we should go home." </p><p>"Magnus, you can go. You should go." Alec's voice cracks, he sounds so drained, so numb, even though Magnus  senses the agony he's going through. </p><p>"I'm not going to leave until I know you're alright."</p><p>"I'm fine, I'm just letting off some steam."</p><p>"Then why did Izzy call me and tell me you refused to heal yourself? And by the looks of it, you're hurting yourself even more."</p><p>"Damn it, Izzy." Alec murmurs, sighing and tightening his grip on the bow. "I don't want you to look at me like that."</p><p>"Like what, darling?" </p><p>"Like...like you pity me, like you feel bad for me. I deserve it, Magnus. I deserve every fucking bruise, every cut, every sting of my bowstring against my arm, everything." Magnus feels each word press against his heart, practically feels Alec's pain. </p><p>"I know you're hurting internally, but that doesn't mean you should make yourself suffer more than you already are. It's a coping mechanism, I get it, but it's a very unhealthy one. I wish you'd call me, you know I'll be here in a heartbeat." Magnus knows it isn't the best thing to say in Alec's moment of weakness, but Jace and Izzy has reminded him so many times that since Magnus has been around, Alec has only self-harmed a handful of times. </p><p>"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you healing me and reassuring me. I don't deserve the unconditional love you give me when I just killed two Shadowhunters."</p><p>"You didn't kill them. You might have not been able to save them, but Alexander," Magnus gently places his hand over Alec's who is still gripping the bow. "Your hand didn't kill them. Your arrow didn't kill them. Jace's blade didn't kill them." Magnus squeezes Alec's hand gently, firmly enough to ground him but softly enough so his split knuckles do not get further irritated. </p><p>"My order killed them, though." Alec whispers. His bottom lip quivers, and Magnus knows his walls are falling, his energy is depleted, his exhaustion is winning. </p><p>"Although you're a leader, and sometimes you have to make decisions that hurt people, I know your heart, and I know you would never intentionally hurt anyone." Magnus runs a thumb over Alec's knuckles. </p><p>"But now I have to go and explain to two families how their son, husband, brother is now dead because of my order!" </p><p>Alec shuts his eyes and drops his bow. Magnus flinches at the startling noise; however, nothing makes Magnus flinch as much as the first sob that exits Alec's mouth. </p><p>"I'm so sorry, Magnus, I'm so so so sorry." Alec barrels into Magnus, and he sighs in relief. Magnus wraps his arms around his waist to support him. </p><p>"Hush, my love. Please, it's okay. Don't apologize." Magnus runs a hand through his sweaty black hair and kisses his temple gently. </p><p>Alec sobs into Magnus's neck as his arms wound around Magnus's waist, grasping anything he can. </p><p>"Let's go home. I'll take care of you, let's just get you home, okay?" Alec nods and sniffles. Magnus strokes his cheekbones, wiping the tears off of his face, and then creates a portal. He ushers Alec through. </p><p>"Here, sit down on the bed. I'll heal you and then you can get in the shower, alright?" Alec nods, fresh tears rolling down his face. Alec sits on the edge of the bed. He begins to take his jacket off as Magnus kneels and unties his boots, slipping them off gently.</p><p>Alec hesitates as he begins to lift his shirt. </p><p>"It's okay, you know I'll never judge you." Magnus inhales and bites his lip to prevent from letting out a sob when he sees the festering cuts and bruises. </p><p>Magnus takes a shaky breath and focuses on healing Alec, just healing his husband, to prevent emotions from clouding his judgment. They'll be plenty of time for that later, right now he needs to focus on Alec's well-being. </p><p>Magnus doesn't stop until he feels Alec interlocking their fingers, wedding rings knocking against each other. "Magnus, it's okay, you healed me. There's nothing left to heal." </p><p>Magnus wants to cry out, to protest, to say yes there certainly is when his husband has the generosity the size of New York but a self worth the size of a fly. </p><p>Magnus locks his gaze with Alec's, a look of crisp trepidation and wired tension that Magnus feels may be reflected in his own eyes, before crashing in Alec's arms. </p><p>"I love you so much, Alexander, I don't want you doing this to yourself. Please don't do this. I can't stand the thought of you hurting yourself." Magnus sobs, pressed against Alec, clinging to him for dear life, not imagining the thought of letting him go. </p><p>Alec rubs Magnus' back, bringing the comforter up to curl against him, whispering sweet nothings that don't do much to stop Magnus' heart from racing, hands to stop trembling, eyes to stop leaking tears. </p><p>The conversation is far from over. It's never truly over when he's married to a Shadowhunter who has the biggest heart Magnus has ever come to know in his long life. The conversation is left unsaid until the sun rises the following morning, but Alec and Magnus hold each other through the night, Magnus clinging onto Alec as if he's the single most important being he's ever come to know in his long life. </p><p>Simply because he is. Alexander owns his heart, Alexander is his heart. </p><p>And Magnus will do anything to protect his heart, his love, his everything, even if it's from Alec himself.</p>
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